Demi

“Without us there is no future.”

Where did you grow up?

My younger years were spent in Fort Erie, and from the 5th grade up until high school I spent most of my time in Niagara Falls. I graduated high school by 17 and moved to Brampton. I have been living on my own ever since here in Toronto.

Were you brought up religiously, secularly or other?

I remember my mother used to bring my brother and I to church when we were much younger. We would both complain about having to get dressed up nicely and sit quietly listening to these crazy stories. ‘Why do we have to go? All they do is talk about God’, my brother would say. My mother never pressured anything on us and that Sunday tradition quickly diminished. I was brought up with strong morals and values, not necessarily religion, although the things my mother taught me often go hand in hand.

Was there turbulence throughout your childhood & adolescence?

Is there ever not turbulence through any childhood/adolescence? I could go into a huge detailed story of my battles through self-acceptance, being the child of a loveless marriage, exploring the world of drugs and alcohol at a young age. I think the major factor of the turbulence is the personal struggle of trying to come to terms with one’s emotions, to understand that with pain comes happiness and with happiness comes pain. The struggle is learning how to deal with it.

Were you ever embarrassed about your development during puberty? If so why?

I can’t recall being embarrassed about my development. I feel I developed right on schedule. A 34B in the 7th grade. I actually remember feeling proud. If anything the embarrassment came from the looks I would get from the undeveloped girls. It never really bothered me though.

Can you remember any key moments in your formative years that shaped you?

I plan to write a book about it one day so stay tuned. There are definitely key moments in my elementary, high school and now college life that have drastically changed who I am. Or better yet, helped mold me into who I am becoming.

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“(W)ith pain comes happiness and with happiness comes pain. The struggle is learning how to deal with it.” – Demi
Photo by Jennifer Toole

Any that shaped your perspective of women?

Every single one of them.

Of sexuality?

Countless. One specific moment being kissing a girl for the first time in the 6th grade. I knew from then on that I was attracted to the same sex. The second moment being after what I like to count as losing my virginity. He said ‘You know you have been with the right person if you want to hold them in your arms afterwards’. I remember not wanting to hold him and that sentiment is something I believe in and carry with me to this day.

When did you become aware of your gender?

From as long as I can remember.

When did you become aware of your own sexuality? Were there any key moments?

The first time I fell asleep on the corner of a chair and had what I now realize was an orgasm. I must have been around three or four years old. I would place my body perfectly on the corner of a couch or chair until, as I remember telling myself, ‘it felt good’, and then I would fall asleep in that position. I am pretty sure there are pictures somewhere. (laughs)

"My whole life could have been different if someone told me years ago, “In order to be loved, you must love yourself.” - Demi Photo by Jennifer Toole

“My whole life could have been different if someone told me years ago, ‘In order to be loved, you must love yourself.'” -Demi
Photo by Jennifer Toole

What, if any, are the obstacles you’ve overcome on your path to womanhood?

My first and major struggle was my appearance. Just like any other girl I had a serious desire to fit in, be liked, to look like everyone else. It took 18 years to fully come to terms with what the universe gave me to work with. The catty female drama, the unspoken pressure from males, the over exposed pressure from the media… it is all too much to take. Self-love is a subject that is often replaced with self-image. My whole life could have been different if someone told me years ago, ‘In order to be loved, you must love yourself’. I have spent the past two years doing a lot of self-reflection. It has made me realize that every action (and inaction), good or bad, that I did was for love, or my desire for love.

Have you ever struggled with your sexuality?

In my high school years I was never quite open with my sexuality. It was something that if asked, I would deny. High school is like a jungle. I learned very fast it was easier to just blend in and follow the herd than deal with the backlash of being an outsider. It was normal to be drunk and make out with girls but lesbians were something different. It wasn’t until after I graduated high school that I realized it was a waste of energy pretending to be what I was not. I quickly got over the fear of not being liked and losing my friends because I love women and men.

What is the image you think you project every day?

I would hope that I project an image of confidence and happiness.

How would you describe your personal experience, existing in the way you do, each day?

Each day is a new day. You can literally be a completely different person within 24 hours. My personal experience, existing in the way I do each day, grants me connection to all things.

My personal experience, existing in the way I do each day, grants me connection to all things.

What is the image you would like to project?

Confidence. Happiness. Oneness.

What do you think the image other people perceive is?

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me. They can perceive me however they wish. I am aware that most of what I am involved in is racy, out there, daring and I could actually care less what the public opinion is. At the end of the day, I do what I do because I enjoy it, I believe in it and I’ll be damned if I lower my self-expectations to fit social norms.

What is your political stance on women’s reproductive rights?

This shouldn’t even be a question. As the carrier of the womb you should have the full-fledged choice if and when you choose to give birth.

Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

I am 100% pro-choice. To be pro life (in my mind) means that no matter the situation the female is in, she should bring new life into it. Having a child is expensive and life-changing. I don’t see the shame or issue in not wanting to struggle. If you can’t currently support yourself, would having a second mouth to feed and provide for really be the best idea? Everything in life is a decision. Some are just harder than others. Mistakes are also things that happen. It is part of being human. The real issue comes from not learning and growing from your mistakes. My mother and father decided to have an abortion. It wasn’t the right time. The money wasn’t there. The support wasn’t there. I was also an accident, an unexpected gift. I’d like to believe that I am the re-carnation of the soul they weren’t ready to say hello to. It is all just about perspective.

What are your feelings about contraceptives? Their availability, cost, stigma and usage?

As someone who doesn’t use birth control I am not sure I am entitled to an opinion. I think the pill is gross. The chemical compound is just not healthy for young girls to use. Condoms are cheap and we are all fools to not use them, simple as that.

What are your feelings on casual sex?

It’s healthy. As long as you do it safely and as an individual are comfortable with your sexuality and the situation.

"At the end of the day, I do what I do because I enjoy it, I believe in it and I’ll be damned if I lower my self-expectations to fit social norms." - Demi Photo by Jennifer Toole

“At the end of the day, I do what I do because I enjoy it, I believe in it and I’ll be damned if I lower my self-expectations to fit social norms.” – Demi
Photo by Jennifer Toole

Are you in a relationship(s)?

Happily single and not looking.

What are your feelings on marriage?

I think it is a concept that has outgrown our time. I think we need to focus more on communication, love, happiness and creation while building a strong team base to create a family and a life upon, and less on the idea of ‘I am yours forever and you are mine’. It adds an undertone that suggests you must do the deed and I am a firm believer that a person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still. Marriage is something people often rush into because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do when you ‘love’ somebody, but then time goes by, you get to know that person, you grow with that person or you separate from that person and that is the way life is. I am not sure that there is a singular soul mate for every body. I believe there are souls that we are meant to come into contact with. There is a lesson that is meant to be learned, a story meant to be made. I think marriage adds this unnecessary pressure to keep the story going when it is long over. I am not completely against the idea of monogamous relationships but I don’t believe they are for everybody. Some stories are longer than others.

What are your most positive relationships with other women?

I am not sure I understand what you mean by ‘positive’ relationships. I aim for all relationships to be positive. Otherwise there is no relationship.

What are your feelings on monogamy?

I think it is an old played-out concept. Something that comes from the days of fathers giving away their daughters to hardworking men. I don’t think it can work for everyone. One single person for all of your days sounds like a nightmare to me.

On polyamory?

A concept that is often misconstrued. It’s not about a man wanting to have a bunch of wives. It’s more than that. I’ve met a lot of polys this year and they all seem much happier than my monogamous friends. I even went on a date with a poly man. He showed me both of his female partners and they knew about me. All three of us were completely different. I think that is the beauty of it. Each individual is so dynamic it seems hard, almost nearly impossible, to find one single person to bring out each and every side of you.

Were you always aware of what your body could do sexually & mechanically?

I believe I mentioned earlier how I would masturbate as a younger girl. Did I know what I was doing? Not a clue. All I knew was that it felt good. I would like to say I’ve always been aware of what my body could do sexually & mechanically, but in reality I am still figuring that all out.

Do you feel your sexual education was sufficient?

Yes. I started learning about sex when I was 9 years old. In 5th grade one of our teachers created a box we could put our questions into. Questions like ‘what is a tampon’, ‘how do you use it’, ‘how do you use a condom’, it even got as vulgar as ‘can girls cum too’? I am still grateful for (to this day one of my favorite teachers) her willingness to share the truth with us. She never beat around the bush. She gave us the straight facts. My sexual education continued and ended by the 8th grade. It wasn’t talked about much after that. It is almost like they were trying to prepare us for the sex scandals about to be thrown in my face during high school. Would I have been less likely to engage in sex at a young age had the sex education continued throughout high school? Probably not. Do I think it would have prevented more teenage pregnancies? Yes, yes I do.

Where is somewhere you can exist without fear?

‘Living life without fear’ is tattooed on my arm. To answer that, everywhere.

In what ways does being a woman make you vulnerable or exposed?

The fact that a man can walk down the street, chest out in a pair of shorts, but if I expose too much skin, I’m a slut. I love my body. I expose it all the time, no shame at all. I am a soul living in a body and I am here to show it off.

Would you consider yourself a feminist?

I would not. I try to avoid labels as much as possible. I consider myself someone who believes in love and equality.

What do you think are positive ways the world views women?

As the mother, the creator, the lover, emotional.

What are negative?

The fact that being a loving, creative, emotional creature is a bad thing. People put a double view on it, equating being emotional with being weak, and I think that is just completely ignorant. Emotions are the way we express ourselves. Females have no shame in expressing their emotions and while some may view the girl crying as weak, I view that as strength. Weak is the one who is afraid to be true to themselves and express what they are feeling.

Do you think the world’s perception of women limits or benefits them?

I think that the woman’s independent view of herself limits or benefits her. The only real limitation is letting the world stop you from being and doing what you feel you should.

What is your relationship to sex?

Open and comfortable.

"If you are following and listening to the ideas of someone else, it means you aren’t listening to yourself." -Demi Photo by Jennifer Toole

“If you are following and listening to the ideas of someone else, it means you aren’t listening to yourself.” -Demi
Photo by Jennifer Toole

How do you define sex?

The joining of two souls in the most raw, animalistic form possible. Sex is pure connection, even when no strings are attached.

Do you feel that your desires are marginalized in the bedroom or are less important? If so why do you think that is?

Never. It takes two to tango and we are finishing the dance together with a bang.

When you imagine sex, what is the feeling you associate with it?

That tingle.

Is sex empowering for you?

Very. Especially as a woman. We are beautiful creatures that were created to create and there is nothing more powerful than that. Girls run the world. Without us there is no future. Remember that ladies. You have the power.

Is sex embarrassing for you to discuss?

The complete opposite. It is one of my favorite subjects to discuss. There is a weird sex taboo that makes it awkward to bring up in certain situations. Yes, there is a time and place, but everyone does it so what’s the point in being shy?

Is there anyone in your world you undermine your principles for?

I used to all the time and it is something I am seriously working on not doing anymore. For too long I buried my opinion to support others and remain ‘well liked’ but that is a very unfulfilling way to live.

In which situations do you feel safe to speak your mind & stand up for yourself?

Always. Freedom of speech.

What do you seek through sex?

Orgasm.

How do you feel about the media’s portrayal of women?

It is slowly changing from women being meek, simple, can’t do it on their own to an ‘I can because I am a girl’ attitude and I am loving it. The media distorts everything. I try not to focus too much on it and just focus on the good things that are thrown in there every once in a while.

How do you maintain a sense of self?

By remaining present.

What is something you deeply love about yourself?

Everything. Mainly the fact that I was born and am alive.

Who are/what are your biggest motivators?

Firstly, my mother, brother and father. Secondly, myself. Thirdly, I admire the stories of many successful entrepreneurs like Jim Rohn, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah Winfrey, and many more, but life is my greatest motivator.

Do you have people you look up to?

I have people that I admire and enjoy reading about. I look up to myself. Some may say that is selfish but I came across a quote by the Buddha that changed my ideology on ‘looking up to others’ and the quote was ‘if you find me along your path, kill me’. If you are following and listening to the ideas of someone else, it means you aren’t listening to yourself.

What are you feelings on motherhood?

I think it is the greatest gift any human can be given. A bond that cannot be put in words, a connection so deep it outlasts every step of the terrible twos, the awkward stages of puberty and teenage angst. Every ‘I hate you’ your child throws at you is worth it, somehow, in the end.

What are you biggest fears?

I guess the only thing I truly fear is letting fear stop me from living.

Your biggest regrets?

Every terrible thing I have done, every horrible thing that has happened to me, I do not regret. I have grown and learned from each mistake.

Your greatest accomplishments?

Coming to terms with my own reality and understanding that the world does not revolve around me. I am not the only one who feels pain and I am not the only one looking for love. My greatest accomplishment is my ability to voice my opinion and stay true to myself. ~